A Public Apology To The Fat Couple
This is my formal apology for my drunken behavior at a Chic-Fil-A towards the fat couple I harassed.
Now I know that sounds horrible but I feel like if I tell you its an apology you can take the situation a little less seriously. It was a Saturday morning and after a long night of drinking at my friend Chris’ lake house, I woke up with an odd thirst for more beer. In a morning drunk stupor I made my way to the kitchen and started drinking heavily. Very heavily. 10 beers on a Saturday morning heavy. Drunk before 10:30 am heavy. Around 11 everyone decided we needed to go get lunch. Drunk me could not turn down food at this point.
We made our way into town and found a Taco Bell next to a Chic Fil A. At the time, I was still a vegan and Taco Bell made it super easy for me to customize my order so that it fit my dietary needs. Everyone else went to Chic Fil A though so I got it to go and met them in the restaurant. Everything was going great, but as you may know, when you drink heavily, volume control becomes more difficult than usual. Apparently my burrito that day was extra delicious because I couldn’t stop telling the people at my table how “fucking delicious this goddamn burrito is.” If you aren’t familiar with Chic Fil A, they are a wonderful Christian fried chicken establishment, and on Saturday mornings they stay packed. A very large couple was sitting relatively close to our group and overheard the reviews I was giving my burrito. I accidently made eye contact with her and she just stares at me. We make eye contact again and she goes “Watch your mouth young man! I have a baby!”
Any normal human would have shut the fuck up right there. Drunk me is apparently not any normal human. I never really liked babies, and this little shit was still pretty much a fetus. Therefore in my brain, it didn’t know words and her logic was void. Then something across the lines of “mind your own business” came out of my burrito stuffed mouth and her obese husband turned around and said very sternly, “Look here boy! She just asked you to shut your damn mouth.”
“Yo dog, this is America and I do as I fuckin please.” You’re probably cringing reading this because it’s such an awkward situation at this point. People in the restaurant were very much so trying to avoid the conflict. I went back to my business and the man kept staring at me. The large woman went to get the management, but since they had not seen or heard the exchange they couldn’t do anything. Also Chic Fil A isn’t really under the type of management that wants conflict. They weren’t exactly running a college bar. I was pretty sure at this point that if I walked out of the restaurant that I would be knifed by this large man but everyone was done with their food and it was time to leave.
As I was getting up, one friend there with me apologized to the fat couple. I overheard him talking at the trash can across the restaurant. Once again. Should’ve shut my fat fuckin mouth. Instead I gave out this wonderful statement.
“Bitch you wanna go? You wanna fight me? Oh that’s right you can’t do that until you drop 50 pounds fatass!”
I was then escorted out the door by a manager. I don’t know how many people have had to be escorted out of a Chic Fil A, but I was now apart of this historical group. Writing back on this I feel like a pretty big dick for yelling at the fat couple in a Chic Fil A while hammer drunk, but then again, it’ll be a fun story to tell to the grandkids around Christmas time. But don’t worry, I think I’ve learned to shut my fat fucking mouth at this point. And if that fat couple reads this, or you may know them because you’ve heard about the little cunt who yelled at you in a Christian establishment, let them know I’ll take them out to Ryan’s. All expenses paid. And I’ll even make their ice cream sundae for them.